blackholesunshower

Dear Chris,

I looked to the sky today and actually begged you to come back.

Crazy. I know. Some say you’re still here, not physically, but that you live on through your music. You really, really do. I listen pretty much every day.  It’s just, some days, I look to the sky and ask “Why? Why are you gone? Why did you have to die?” That last word always drives a stake through my heart.

I’ve been living in denial for awhile, then it hit me recently. Yeah, you’re really gone. It’s not so profound as it sounds. I knew it May 18th, but was able to push it away, to cry it out or hear your voice and pretend. But something about your newly released website generated this realization in me.  You are the “late” singer, and now your name is attached to RIP and Say Hello to Heaven… others are singing it to YOU. And there’s no going back.

People may read this, shake their heads and say move on. I say I am. Time is healing sure, but the road of grief doesn’t disappear. You have to walk it as it winds and coils through the forest.

People may also ask – what about your dad? Well, that’s for another time or place. Suffice it to say, my level of denial on that front is still very strong.

I feel Dad and Chris around me, though. Both of them push me on and forward. So do many other good people in my life. Loud Love! And RIP Chris.

Your forever fan,

Emily