blackholesunshower

Dear Chris,

You left this world 172 days ago. 367 days ago I saw you with Temple of the Dog at the Tower Theater in Philadelphia. I had seats for something like the 22nd row, but managed to sneak down to the 5th. I sat next to two unsuspecting dudes and told them my spontaneous plan to stay there the entire show. I hoped with all my heart that NO ONE would come to re-claim the seats I “stole.” Twenty minutes or so went by and no one came, so I called my friend, another fierce fan, who was sitting up in the balcony. I told her where I was and to come on down, and sure enough she did. No one ever came to claim those seats. I’d like to think it was fate that brought me that close, but who knows. I already cheated and watched footage from the night before, the premiere of the tour at the same venue, so I kind of knew what to expect, but boy did you blow my mind. My friend and I rocked out for two or more hours. I screamed along to most of the songs. I managed to sneak away during one (cover) song to hit the restroom.  I believe I set a world record for quickest concert-to-bathroom time EVER. I remember looking at the woman next to me and noticing she wasn’t singing along to many of the songs, so I told her the titles. She would always smile and nod, and look at me with such… appreciation. I wasn’t trying to be cocky, or annoying, I was just trying to help her out … I cut you in, I cut you in….

Anyway, two days later I found myself in New York City, walking alongside the famous Madison Square Garden. I’d heard of this place, obviously, but had never been there. Me and my friends, who drove from Philly, ran into some security guards outside the venue. We chatted them up briefly, mentioning you and Temple of the Dog. I remember one of the guys saying we needed to go to the 7th floor to check out the wall of fame (or something like that). We chuckled and went on our way. We walked to a nearby pub to meet up with other fans. After some food and beverages it was time to go to MSG. An online friend (whom I’d NEVER met) had generously gifted me a ticket AND a hotel room. You see, Chris, your fans are amazing. We will always have your back.

That show was amazing too. I also saw you backstage, thanks to my brother. I stood right in front of you… the night of November 7, 2016, or should I say the morning of November 8, 192 days before you left this world. I noticed you looked tired, much more so than when I saw you in July of that same year. I remember looking up at you, dressed in all black, your shoulder length wavy hair pulled back in a bun or pony tail. You still wore dark glasses. You were surrounded by family, yet still so …. lost. You seemed happy about the show, but only spoke of the technicality of it. Perhaps you were a perfectionist. Perhaps, your creativity had only become…. just that… technical. You had a music stand on the stage. Were you worried about forgetting lyrics? Oh Chris, don’t you know that us true fans would have forgiven you? That none of that really matters? That we wanted to hear and see you so badly, it didn’t matter?

But to you, it did. To you, the constant touring and singing and perfection got to you. I can only imagine. You, a gentle, troubled soul, forced into this fame, put on a pedestal when you still wrestled with so many demons. You are not perfect. And that is ok, Chris. That is why we all love you and will always love you. I wish I could have or would have told you that when I MET you…. that it’s OK. Just keep on keepin’ on. Regret is the strongest of all human emotions and we all have it.

172 days later, it still feels like yesterday. I think I can speak for all your fans and loved ones – that we all wish you were still here, and, at the same time, HOPE, that your soul has found eternal peace. We love you, Chris. Thank you. As you always told us after most songs, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.