blackholesunshower

10 days until your birthday. 10 days until you would have been 53.

Funny, I never really paid attention to your birthday until your death. Same with my father.

I guess it is true that we don’t know what we have until it’s gone. All of a sudden all our memories come flooding back. When I learned of your death, in that very moment, everything flooded, like an unraveling of time in my mind. It was quite unbelievable. Since then it’s been slower, but still the unraveling continues. Bits and pieces of my life with you in it keep coming to me. I remember arguing as a teenager –  who is better – Chris or Eddie? For me it was ALWAYS you, Chris. Always and forever. I remember you almost falling on my head during a concert when I was a teen. I remember Lollapalooza and now wishing I had paid MUCH more attention to Soundgarden’s performance or at least remembering it. I remember the posters, the cassette tapes, the radio listens…..

I put your song, Sunshower, on my wedding DVD, because it was beautiful and I HAD to have your voice on my special day. Forever.

I talk to my young daughter about you. I had looked forward to taking her to one of your acoustic shows. Now, it will be only in videos and pictures, but she WILL know. And so will my son. They know your voice. It will carry on.

The loss of you, Chris, just boggles my mind. I just don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to release this burden in my hand. Others seem to have moved on, or take it in stride… a passing heartache. My family says I’m obsessed. Maybe you’d say the same? But your words and voice mean so much to me. I am beyond thankful that I listened to that screaming voice in my head  – MEET HIM. TELL HIM how much he means to you.

Thank you, Chris.