blackholesunshower

Dear Chris,

It’s been about four months since you left us. I miss you. I can’t say I miss your voice because I hear it everyday, but I miss your…. “presence.” Reading about how you and the guys were planning to release new songs, that you were planning to tour again, or made plans with other bands (like Foo Fighters) makes my heart hurt SO badly.

I can’t say enough how grateful I am that I met you and was able to sit down and talk, and give you gifts, no matter how cheesy they were. I wish I could have seen what you were going through. I wish I could have said something in that moment that would have made you want to stay with us (and your family). I know I was one of the last fans you met during your meet and greets, and while that warms my heart, it also breaks it into a million pieces. I know I have NO responsibility for “saving you” – like Spoonman, but it still … makes me stop to think.

Why didn’t I see the signs? You were sullen during our talk, but I attributed it to jet lag, or shyness. You didn’t really fully answer my questions, and I attributed that to my poor memory of the event, or denial, because I was so excited to meet you.

Whatever it was or is, you are gone. I have accepted that, but doesn’t mean I have to like it.

There are so many rumors swirling. So many unanswered questions. So much hate and conspiracy. But I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to let it tarnish your legacy. I refuse to let it make me doubt you.

If I could go back I’d hold onto you just a little while longer. I’d look at you more and really SEE you, not as a rock star or genius singer/songwriter, but as a man. A man who had real feelings and insecurities.

I’d hug you a little while longer and tell you, not only thank you, but I see you. And it’s ok to not be ok. And let’s sit and talk awhile longer.