blackholesunshower

Where have you gone, my dark Knight?

Everyone is missing you. Me and millions of other fans, many of whom I am in direct contact with.

Today I went to my psychiatrist. Some would see that as weak. But I see it as brave. I sat face to face and told her the story of you; how I’d loved you for more than half my life and how in recent years I’d actually followed you around the country, culminating in meeting you two times last year.

She nodded, precisely at the moment I told her my favorite musician had passed two weeks ago. Thankfully I did not have to say your name. Thankfully she already knew.

We talked and that lead to discussions of my current medication. I expressed concern that I was on the SAME medication (lorazapam) that Chris was “allegedly” on at the time of his suicide. I told her I was concerned because his wife had blamed a couple of extra pills on his passing. She told me Chris would have had to take a LOT of that medicine, plus coupled with alcohol or some other substance, PLUS the desire to do himself in. That was the lethal cocktail. She said my dosage (.5 mg/day) was not enough for that…. that I’d have to take like 15 mg to have thoughts like that.

I don’t have thoughts like that…

We talked more and I expressed my concern about his touring non-stop and how I read once that he said he did that because “If I didn’t I would become a hermit and stay inside all the time…” It makes sense. Chris never fully battled his demons. He did go to rehab once and thankfully that helped him hang on. But … all the constant touring and working was just a diversion. No wonder we were all shocked. He worked so hard at putting up a strong front. I stand by Vicky. The pills (that were supposed to help him) lowered his inhibition and drove his suicide over the top. I am so saddened by this because Chris deserved to be saved. He deserves to still be here.